I haven’t blogged for about a month. It’s been a little awkward, cause I haven’t had anywhere to vent, contemplate or elaborate. Which is something I really need, I’m going to make an effort to blog just so I can get things off my chest, good or bad.

The past few weeks have had both ups and downs but mostly downs. So many times I’ve cried myself to sleep, and I just pretended to everyone that everything was fine. This is my biggest mistake, suffocating my emotional turmoil so it can cause greater damage to my heart.

Friends, I don’t have them…. Or maybe I do? I’m not really too sure. I have school/church friends (they are the same people), which I’ve known for my whole life. I consider them my family; this isn’t a serious friendship there, it’s mostly laugher. Then there are the other friends that I’m struggling with. I just wish I could have friends that would support me in the important aspects of my life. My dreams, my hopes, my fears and most importantly my faith; these are the places where I need support. No one has been helping, yes a little ‘oh tell me what happened’ and then they never reply. It’s all fine and dandy but it really isn’t caring. It’s being considerate for the moment but not really caring about the present situation. It hurts how I take my time out of my day to help friends and in return they stab me in the back. For some friend, I get calls for them past midnight, crying… yes I’m sleeping but I put that aside to be a friend. Why can’t anyone do that for me? It’s either… ‘Oh, I have something to do,’ or ‘Hmm, oh well.’ I want to be your friends, is it that difficult to return the favor? I have no one I can turn to, who can be serious and really care. It hurts more than you imagine, I can tell you that. I’m home schooled, I have no life, I don’t know much about anything and I’m awkward. I wonder why people can’t stand me, but honestly… why? Those aren’t legitimate answers.  

I’m sick of crying. I’m sick of waiting for a true friend.

I’m holding onto patience, but my grip is slipping.